Hello and welcome to this edition of STUPID NEWS! Now would be a good time to lower your expectations a bit, or just wait until you finish this column. Your choice..
For all you people who "fake-throw" an imaginary ball to your dogs, hoping they'll chase it(we've all done it, no judgment here), a cautionary tale: A dog was found, swimming 135 miles off the coast of Thailand, by a crew on an oil platform. Nobody knows how he got out there, much less how he survived, but I hear that he's doing much better now. It might've been that fake ball thing. If true, you have to admire his commitment. Or maybe it's true what that cheesy 80's song said about one night in Bangkok.
I seriously doubt that this dog will ever go swimming again.
Hamburger helper:
A woman fell into an industrial sized meat grinder in Pennsdale, Pennsylvania(don't worry, I'm reasonably sure your meatloaf is safe). A worker at Economy Locker Storage Co. heard some noises coming from the machine (probably along the lines of "AAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAGH! OH SHIT! HELP! I'M BEING GROUND TO DEATH! AAAAAAAAGH!"), and upon investigation, found the remains of the woman in the grinder.
There was a picture of her(presumably taken before the accident) in the original story I stole this from, but I'm not going to post it or her name, because I'm classy like that. Let's just call her "Wendy"....
The theory is that she accidentally fell into the grinder from a staircase next to the device. The other, less likely, theory is that she did it on purpose to win a bet.
At any rate, they had to disassemble the machine to get her out. An autopsy will probably be performed, but any guesses as to what the cause of death will turn out to be? I'm guessing nobody will be serving burgers at the memorial service buffet. Yes, sometimes work can be a REAL grind....